The problem with having children and depression is that the two are like oil and water. When the depression is on a break so to speak, being a mother is awesome. It is exactly what I always dreamed it would be. The hugs. The kisses. The endless I love yous. It is amazing. There is nothing like having your 2 year old climb up in your lap and say, "I wub you mommy." Or, when your 5 year old says, "You are the best mommy ever!" But, just like the seasons that change, so do my feelings about motherhood, being a wife and life in general.
Depression takes a hold of my life and throws this dark shadow over the entire house. The girls notice something is different about mommy. They notice there is a constant crease between my eyes. They hear the sudden lack of enthusiasm in my voice. They feel the tension that surrounds me. Children notice way more than we give them credit for.
My depression is this thing that shows up whenever it feels it has been away long enough. It wrecks havoc on my body, my mind, my relationship with family and friends. Simple things, that require very little thought are suddenly hard to manage. Brushing my teeth, getting dressed. Even doing my hair is a challenge. Other things like, cooking meals, cleaning, interacting with the girls, planning outings etc, are nearly impossible. When this happens my husband takes up a lot of the slack. He will cook, clean, keep the girls occupied and anything else that I can't bring myself to do because I have shut myself in my room, away from it all. Away from the responsibilities, the stress and sadly my family.
This blog is about my struggle with clinical depression and my struggle as a mother because of it.
